


how many nights does it take to count the stars (that’s the time it’ll take to fix my heart)

by orphan_account



Category: Avengers, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Endgame, I, Over, Sad, Still, Suicide Attempt, gotten, havent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Peter’s feet stood on their own, and he stepped dangerously close to the edge.He just wanted to see Tony again. To hug him again. If he knew Tony was going to die that night, he would’ve never let him go. He would do anything to even just hear his voice, his laugh.Whatever it takes.





	how many nights does it take to count the stars (that’s the time it’ll take to fix my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> tw // (attempted) suicide

Peter sat on the rooftop of the new Avengers facility. Well, it wasn’t exactly new. After the whole Thanos fight, the Avengers compound had been completed lately obliterated. The Avengers, if that still even existed, had bought the tower back. 

His legs dangled over the edge. It was roughly a 1000 feet drop from where he was sitting. 

It was around 3 in the morning. The city was dark, illuminated by the moon above. 

Peter looked up at the night sky. It held the most amount of stars there had been since the great battle.

He knew Tony was up there somewhere. 

Tears pooled in his eyes. It had been almost a month since Tony had died. He thought the pain would go away, as it had (for the most part) for his parents and Uncle Ben.

But every day, he just missed Tony more and more. He had been his hero, his mentor. He had been like another father figure. 

Peter had tears falling from his face now, drop by drop. 

It had all been his fault. His parents died because of him, his uncle died because of him, and now Tony. He was a disease, a plague. 

Tears streamed from his eyes all the more at that thought.

He missed Tony so much. 

His heart ached. It felt as if a hole were burning through his chest. He wouldn’t be surprised it there really was one.

Peter’s feet stood on their own, and he stepped dangerously close to the edge.

He just wanted to see Tony again. To hug him again. If he knew Tony was going to die that night, he would’ve never let him go. He would do anything to even just hear his voice, his laugh. 

Whatever it takes.

Tony was up there, if Peter could just reach him. 

His right foot stepped out over the edge into empty space.

Peter’s left foot stubbornly stuck to the ground. He would have to jump.

Panic suddenly flashed through his mind. What would May think? What would Ned think? May was strong, she would be okay. Would she? 

Peter bit his lip and pushed all his thoughts to the back of his head. One thought overwhelmed his brain, his entire body. 

Tony

Tony

Tony

The thought was like a heartbeat, keeping him alive. That was all it took for him to leap off the roof of the Avengers tower. The cool wind brushed past his face and tousled his hair. He closed his eyes.

Tony

Tony

Tony

—————

Arms wrapped around his body, and he was being pulled upwards.

He didn’t struggle against the arms pulling him upwards. They felt safe, familiar. A sharp gust of wind slapped his cheek. Peter was awoken from his trance.

He opened his eyes and looked around and-OH GOD. He had just tried to commit suicide. The reality of his situation hit him hard. He didn’t want to die. May... what would May think? What would Tony think?

He turned his head around to see the familiar Iron-Man face plate. He sagged in its arms.

Peter was set down back on top of the Avengers Tower. Some people came running towards him. Strong arms enveloped him and carried him inside. 

He looked up. “Captain America?” 

“Shh, you’re okay.” Steve said, sitting him down on the nearest couch. Peter was too shocked at everything that just happened to feel embarrassed.

Tiny hands landed on his arm. 

“Are you Peter?” said a young girl’s voice.

Peter looked over and saw a little girl. She looked so much like Tony, he almost broke down in tears. It was Tony’s child, the one he had seen during Tony’s... Peter cut off that thought and composed himself in front of the young girl.

“Yes. Who are you?”

“I’m-“

“Morgan!” A voice called. Pepper. “Don’t bother Peter.”

Pepper ran over, looking deeply concerned. 

“Peter, why...” she started to ask, then seemingly changed her mind. “Are you okay?”

That was all it took for Peter to break. Sobs ripped through his entire body. His whole body shook as he cried. Pepper wrapped her arms around him, and patted his back.

Peter cried for what seemed like an hour. He finally wiped away his tears and pulled back from the hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated, over and over again.

“It’s alright Peter.”

“I just miss him so much...”

“I know. So do I.” Pepper said, holding Peter’s hands in hers.

“Oh God... I don’t know why I... why I did that.”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to explain right now.”

“I miss him.”

“Every day,” Pepper agreed. “But it’ll get better. Tony wouldn’t want us crying over him all the time.”

Tears started flowing from his eyes again. He lay down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. Pepper stayed by him, stroking his arm.

He eventually cried himself to sleep.

—————

A few hours later, Peter woke up. He looked out the window at the ledge he’d jumped from. Turning away, he walked to the elevator. 

Peter’s finger hovered over the 40th floor, where Tony’s room was. However, he still felt guilty and overwhelmed from the events from earlier and instead went down to the 26th floor, where his room was. It was in an inconvenient spot, he couldn’t use the balcony to go spider-man-ing 

Going into his room, he walked over and flopped on his large bed. His arm smacked something.

Turning over, he saw a small package. It was a long, oval shaped box with writing on it.

The text on it read: “Wanted you to have this. You deserve it, kid. -TS”

In the corner was another person’s writing. It read: “Thought Tony would want you to receive this now. I hope you feel better. Love, Pepper.”

“Mr. Stark left a present for me?” Peter wondered to himself. He sat up on his bed and studied the package.

Peter turned the package over and over in his hands before he finally decided to open it.

He carefully peeled back the wrapping paper and tape.

Inside was a...glasses case?

Peter was confused. His eyesight had been perfect since the spider-bite.

He opened the glasses case and gasped. Inside were Tony Stark’s prized possession. His special do-not-touch-or-I-will-kill-you glasses. 

He carefully pulled out the glasses and unfolded them. He slipped them onto his face. Nothing seemed different. The glass had no prescription. He tapped on the lenses. They seemed sturdy, probably bulletproof.

Peter looked back down at the case. There was a small piece of folded paper he had initially missed.

Peter unfolded the note to find another message on it. It read:  
For the next Tony Stark, I trust you.  
P.S. : Say Edith  
\- TS

“For the next Tony Stark...” Peter read aloud. “The next Tony Stark?!” 

He gaped at the paper for a few seconds before continuing. “I trust you.”

“P.S. Say... Edith.”

“Hello Peter.” Said a feminine voice. 

Peter jumped a foot in the air. “Wh-What?! Who are you?”

Numbers, data, and holograms appeared in his vision. He looked around at all of this in awe.

“I am Edith. Edith stands for-“

“Even Dead I’m The Hero,” a different voice interrupted. A mans voice. His voice.

Peter froze. He opened and closed his mouth but no sound came out. A small hologram flickered into view in front of him. A hologram of him.

“Hi, Peter.” Said Tonys voice.

“W-What?! Who?!” Peter said when he broke from his stupor.

“If you’re hearing this, I guess I died.” The voice continued on, ignoring Peter’s questions.

Tears immediately sprung into Peter’s eyes when he heard that sentence. 

“Peter, I want you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m so sorry for letting you d- letting you go on Titan. I know you’re probably thinking it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help thinking that it is. I’m sorry. I should never have let that happen. But-“ Tony’s voice cracked, along with Peter. Tears threatened to pour from his eyes. 

“Gosh, Peter. I miss you so much. When I find that purple grape I will crush him until he feels what you went through. But enough about him. This is for you.”

Tears were streaming freely down Peter’s face now. He closed his eyes, trying to control his tears.

“Peter.”

Peter opened his eyes and looked at the hologram. Looking at the mini-Tony made him crack a small smile, but the smile wavered.

“I know you’ll probably miss me. I hope. Well, maybe you don’t. Maybe that’s for the better.”

“I miss you so much,” Peter said in a raspy whisper, knowing Tony can’t hear him. 

“Anyways, what I want to say is: I’m sorry. For everything. I should’ve been a better example, a better mentor. And I trust you. Which is why I’m giving you these glasses. They control a satellite full of missiles and other shenanigans. Just ask Edith for an overview later.”

“I want you to know that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Well, my kid, Morgan is. But I think you guys are equal. Take care of her for me, would ya.”

I will, Peter thought.

“Next time I see you I’m going to give you a hug.”

You did, Peter thought.

“I know it’s hard to go through all of this. But you’re strong. I know you’ll get through this. Don’t give up. May needs you. You’re friends need you. I need-“ Tony interrupted himself before he could finish the sentence. “I believe in you, Pete. Take care of yourself.”

“What am I tripping for? Everything’s going to work out exactly the way it’s supposed to.”

Tony paused for a second, leaning forward as if he were about the end the recording, but then stopped himself and looked directly into Peter’s eyes. 

“Peter. You deserve the world. I love you, kid.”

The hologram cut out and disappeared.

“Tony... No...” Peter whimpered. He grasped desperately, and in vain, at the empty air before him. He curled up into a tight ball and rocked back and forth at the edge of his bed and shut his eyes. 

Peter didn’t know how long he sat there, rocking back and forth, but at one point he took off his glasses, spread out across his bed, and fell asleep. 

—————

Peter was jolted awake by the sounds of cars honking and sirens blaring. He sat up and groaned, eyes still glued shut.

Where was he? This bed felt bigger than his.

Blinking to help his eyes open, he scanned the room. His eyes landed on the glasses on his bedside table. All his memories from the previous nights flooded into mind. The fall. The glasses. The video.

He reached groggily for the glasses and put them on.

“Edith?” He asked.

“Yes, Peter?” The feminine voice replied. Not Tony. Peter didn’t know if he felt relieved or disappointed. He wanted desperately to hear Tony’s voice again, but it might just make the loss worse. 

“C-can I get an overview?”

“Of course.” The A.I. said. Suddenly, thousands of pictures and diagrams flooded before his eyes.

“On the upper left corner there is the control panel. With this you can control the satellite drones...” Edith continued explaining the functions of the glasses. Peter just stared, enraptured by it all.

“The code to open or store previously stored recordings is: I AM THE BEST”

Peter laughed at that, a genuine laugh, something he hadn’t done for what seemed like forever.

“I am the best,” said Peter. 

“Opening files.”

Hundreds of folders appeared before him.

He looked and looked, reading the names of each. Suit designs, Avengers, house plans, blueprints, the files went on and on.

One folder caught his eye. The title of the folder was: Peter.

Peter stared at it before saying, “Edith open ‘Peter’.”

The file opened to reveal hundreds of photos of... him.

“Edith what is this?”

“These are photos and videos in the file named ‘Peter’.”

“Very helpful,” said Peter.

“Thank you.”

Peter opened the photos and swiped through each one. (sorry I don’t know how he’s supposed to go through photos when it’s a hologram in the glasses) The folder held photos of Peter and Tony with the fake Stark Internship certificate, photos of them working in the lab, and many photos of Peter that had been taken without him noticing.

There were some videos, too. Videos of Peter goofing around and videos of him as Spider-Man.

At the end of all the photos and videos was another folder. It was not labeled as anything. 

Peter went into it and saw...  
videos of Tony?

He opened the first one.

Tony’s face appeared. He looked like absolute shit. Peter held back a sob, forcing himself to stay strong. Don’t cry, he told himself. Don’t you dare cry. 

Peter played the video.

“Monday, April 30th, 2018.”

“My therapist is making me make these stupid videos. Talk about my feelings or whatever. I don’t know this is so stupid, so fucking dumb. How is this supposed to help when the only thing that’s going to help is if-“

Tony cut himself off.

“This isn’t helping.”

The video stopped.

Peter pressed on the next one. Tony still looked like crap.

“Thursday, May 3.”

“Amy’s back at it again, forcing me to make these videos. It’s dumb, I keep telling her.” 

He sighed, sounding unbelievably exhausted. 

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” 

“I just-“

“I need air.” 

The video cut off. 

Peter continued on, opening and playing the next video. His face remained expressionless.

“Saturday. May 12.”

“She wants me to do these every day, but they’re literally not helping so I’m not. She can’t make me.”

“What am I even supposed to talk about? My feelings? This is stupid.”

“Sunday. May 13.”

“Pepper is telling me to do these now. I don’t know...”

“She said to just rant or something, but that really won’t help.”

“‘Just try!’ she says. I’ll try one day.”

“Wednesday. May 16.”

“Today was a shitty day.”

“There. That counts as saying my feelings, right?”

The dates of the videos skipped several months.

“November second. 2018.”

“Nothing’s gotten better.”

“March 28, 2019.”

“Been a while since I made one of these. They still don’t help. I don’t know what the point is. I just-  
I miss him.”

Peter’s eyes widened. “I miss him,” he repeated. “I miss you.”

Silent tears began to spill from his eyes. Peter continued on, though, pressing on the next video.

Tony looked... hungover. He had gigantic dark eye bags and looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He probably hadn’t. He hadn’t looked that bad since he’d came back from Titan. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, slouched over.

“April 2, 2019.” 

His voice had a strange slur to it.

“Fuck. Why am I making this?”

He ran a hand down his face and groaned, flopping down on his bed.

“I still wake up and expect texts from Peter and I check my phone and-“

“I can’t-“

“I need him back.”

Tony waved his hands around in the air and swung them around. His hand came in contact with a lamp on a table beside him.

CRASH

The lamp fell off the table.

“GODDAMMIT!” Tony yelled.

“I haven’t drank this much in ages.” He confessed. “I’m usually busy doing something with Peter.”

“Peter.” Tony repeated the name.

“I can’t stop thinking about him. Even these fucking videos remind me of the video diary he kept.”

“I need him back.” He said for the second time.

“I need him.”

“I need-“ Tony caught a look of himself in a mirror opposite of his bed.

“I look like shit.”

The video cut out.

Peter selected the next. 

“It’s been 5 years since I last made one of these. It’s 2023.”

Tony looked much happier, much more clean. But also much older. His hair was pretty much grey.

“Some Ant guy that I fought in Germany with-“ Tony paused.

“He came up with some time heist thing. Him and Steve and Natasha came to my house earlier today. I wish they’d come for anything else. They hadn’t visited in the past 5 years.”

“No one has.”

“I don’t know what to say about this. I don’t want to risk it. I can’t lose Morgan. I already lost my-“

“the kid.” 

Tony suddenly looked so tired and so incredibly old. 

“I don’t know...”

Peter stared at the hologram before him. Tears streamed down his face, but he continued watching the videos. 

Tony’s face appeared again for the ninth or tenth time. 

“I feel like I should just make one of these. Document information.”

“It’s still 2023. I’m assuming Steve and Natasha went to Bruce to try and get him to help with their time travel ideas. I highly doubt they’ll succeed.”

“I want to help. I do. But I can’t lose Morgan. Pepper. Rhodey. I already lost. I can’t lose more.”

“April 25th, 2023.”

“I figured it out. Time travel.”

“I don’t know if I should attempt it. Maybe I should just lock this away and forget about it.”

“But I can’t. I would constantly think ‘what if...’ until it drives me insane.”

“I need to do this. For... for Peter.”

Peter gasped. For me? He thought. For me?

“I’m going to Steve. Telling him I figured it out. I’ll help them.”

“I mean, it’ll probably fail anyways.”

The video cut to a different one.

“The test run worked. It worked. I can’t believe it. I have a chance. To bring back Peter. I can’t believe it.”

“But I can’t... No. I have to try. I have to. But I need to protect what I found these five years. Morgan. Pepper. At all costs. They’re what’s most important.”

“But Peter... I need him. I need to bring him back.” Tony’s eyes watered, but he blinked the tears away.

“I need him.” 

The statement made Peter start crying more. That was all he seemed to be doing these days. Crying. Another video begun without him selecting it. He tried to wipe away his tears, but they kept coming. Peter gave up on trying to see and just focused on Tony’s voice.

“Before we do this time travel thing, I’m going to make one last video. If this all works out, no one is going to see this. But if it doesn’t, if something happens to me...”

“Well. Peter is going to have these.” 

“Amy suggested I write something or make a video to everyone just in case.”

“I know these glasses will go to Peter if god forbid something happens to me. But anyways. Here goes:”

“Peter. I already made one of these for you. It probably played when you put on the glasses. But I feel like you need this one too. For clarification or something, not just a motivational speech or whatever.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I-“

“I never meant it to be like this.”

“But to quote the wizard, ‘It was the only way.’”

“Though frankly I can think of some other ways it could’ve ended.”

“I programmed EDITH to play random messages to you I prerecorded so I’m always with you, I guess.”

“I wish I could’ve seen you graduate. Seen you grow up. Seen Morgan grow up.”

“But I know you’ll watch over her.”

“On another note, I pre-wrote a letter for MIT. Pepper knows where it is. So you can access it and send it to them if you still want to go there.”

“I know you don’t want any money from me, but I had a couple hundred thousand transferred into your bank account. Just in case.”

Peter gaped at that. He opened his mouth as if to argue, but closed it after a few seconds.

Tony continued on.

“You’re probably about to argue, but what’s done is done. Don’t think of this as charity, Peter. I just want the best for you. You’re family, after all.”

Peter was already crying, and just sat there in disbelief. Did Tony just call him family? He didn’t think he deserved any of this, not after all the stress he’d put Tony under.

“Don’t go fighting random flying vulture weapon dealers if you can help it.”

“Though nothing I can say will help that. You’re too good for this world.”

“And Peter?”

Peter’s eyes dried just enough to see the video. Tony was smiling into the camera. At him. 

“You’ll always be family.”

—————

(2 weeks later)

Peter finally visited the Starks cabin.

“Mommy, it’s Peter!” is what Morgan said when she opened the door.

“Hey Peter.” Said Pepper, coming over and wrapping Peter in an embrace. “How are you?”

“I’m doing better. How about you?”

“Well... it’s been better.”

Peter nodded, fully agreeing.

“Mommy, can I show Peter around?”

“Sure, Morgan.” Pepper said.

“Yay! Peter, come!” Morgan exclaimed, taking Peter’s hand

Peter laughed and let the 5-year-old lead him into the house.

As he walked in, Morgan talked excitedly.

“I’m so happy to meet you!

“You are?” Peter asked, smiling.

“Yes, Daddy talked about you so much!”

“He did?” Peter’s smile wavered a little.

“Yes! You were his favorite superhero.”

“I am?”

“You’re my favoritest superhero too.” The child said sincerely.

Peter smiled warmly. He had only spoken to Morgan twice, and he already loved her.

Morgan led him to the kitchen and pointed at a shelf.

“Look at that picture.”

“This one?” Peter asked, pointing to a picture of Tony, Morgan, and Pepper.

“No, the one behind it.”

Peter reached behind the first photo and took out the picture behind it.

It was a picture of him and Tony. The one they took with the fake Stark internship certificate.

He held it in his hands, looking down at him. A wet drop splashed onto the glass surface. Peter was confused for a second before he realized it was his tear. He quickly wiped away the tear and blinked his eyes. 

Peter looked down at Morgan.

“Is this what you wanted to show me?”

“Yes!” Said Morgan excitedly. “Daddy said he did it for you.”

“Did what for me?” Peter asked, genuinely confused.

“Time travel,” she answered simply.

Peter stared at her.

“He told me he saw a picture of you and him and he had to go on a mish-ion.” Morgan scrunched up her face as she struggled to pronounce ‘mission.’

“A mission?”

“Yep! A time travel mish-ion,” she replied, still mispronouncing ‘mission.’

“Wow.” Peter said. He didn’t know what else to say. He knew Tony had said in the videos that he was going to attempt time travel for him, but he didn’t know it was simply because he had seen a picture of them together. 

“Are you my brother?” Morgan asked suddenly. “Daddy always said you were his kid.”

Peter looked down at her. “Uh...”

“You’ll always be family.” 

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“Good.” said Morgan. “Daddy always wanted you to be my brother.”

“He did.” Peter said it more as a statement than a question. 

“He did.” Morgan repeated decisively. “Daddy’s watching us now. Up-up-up in the stars.”

“Yes...” Said Peter.

“He will always be watching over us.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading~
> 
> i’ve never written about suicide, so i’m not sure if I got it right, but I hope you enjoyed anyways!
> 
> please feel free leave any critiques.  
also sorry for some parts not being italicized, "You'll always be family," at the end (where Peter is speaking to Morgan) is supposed to be italicized, as well as all of Peter's thoughts and Tony's videos, but I didn't do the _ things at the time cause I didn't know you could do that lol)_
> 
> _(this is such a mess and I’ve had it sitting around for such a long time before I decided to finish it)_


End file.
